notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(215):

Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(434):

You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(901):

apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(712):

She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(415):

Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians

(1-415):

Does the penis have a genital wart?
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notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(410):

I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(423):

Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(620):

Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(956):

I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(325):

Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(360):

A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(606):

You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(910):

Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(218):

We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(978):

I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
notkinkypatch: (h e h)
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(320):

For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.

(1-320):

The apocalypse has arrived.
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(818):

I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(603):

Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
notkinkypatch: (Default)
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(402):

Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
notkinkypatch: (youu sarcastic piece of shit)
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(850):

so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
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