(818):

I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.

(402):

Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?

(727):

How did you get him out of the shower last time?

(1-727):

Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.

(423):

We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.

(727):

I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.

(1-727):

Please never have kids.

(386):

I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?

(306):

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

(248):

I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers

(406):

I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period

(904):

All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you