(215):

Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.

(901):

apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.

(415):

Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians

(1-415):

Does the penis have a genital wart?

(423):

Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...

(956):

I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.

(360):

A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.

(910):

Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?

(978):

I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.

(818):

I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.

(402):

Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?